lobelia.net

So lovelies, it’s been a while! I’m back to talk about my Buy Nothing New for a Year Project. Next month, it will have been one year since I started. It hardly seems possible! For those of you who are not familiar with this challenge. Here’s what I’ve restricted myself from doing…

No new stuff! This includes,

• Clothes
• Gadgets
• Makeup
• Erroneous bath and shower products (can only buy what you NEED)
• No going to the hairdressers
• No furniture
• No housewares
• No new crap!

Here’s what I allowed myself to buy if I needed

• Food (of course)
• Secondhand goods from Charity Shops if I needed them
• Stuff from Freecycle if I needed it
• Items for my trades, (strings, gems, beads, ect)
• Things you can’t buy used (lightbulbs, panties, ect)

So I did pretty well. Did I actually go an entire year without buying anything new? Not really. Here’s what I cheated on:

• I bought a new lappy before I came over to the UK to live. Truly that falls under the needed for work thing, but I could have bought a used one again but I didn’t.
• I bought some lipstick because I ran out.
• Some of the things we needed after the move were bought by Steve
• I had my hair cut before I left the US, but I didn’t know back then that it wasn’t allowed (since then it’s been cut by Steve)

I’m sure there have been various other infractions over time…but these are the ones I can think of at present.  It’s been a good year,  I think that I will try to continue as best I can and certainly to buy nothing new, wisely.  I’ve learned a lot in this past year and really wish I could have back all that money I’ve spent over time on shit I just don’t need!  Makes me a little sick to my stomach to think of things I’ve bought in the past and then contributed to the landfill a few short years later.  I’m sure the thousands of dollars could have been much better employed somewhere else.  As the song by one of my fave solo bass players says….You Can’t Throw It Away (There’s No Such Thing as Away). 

So since I feel I’ve vastly improved the quality of my life by this little challenge, I’ve now started thinking about what’s next.  One of the things I’ve been proudest of in my life was how books have steered me, changed me, molded me, inspired me.  I used to be one of the most prolific readers that I knew.  The time that I used to spend reading books, I now mostly spend on the Internet.  There’s got to be some balance between these two things no?  So my next challenge is to join a library (too bad London doesn’t have any good ones to read one book per week and write about it.  I’ve also joined LibraryThing at the suggestion of the lovely @secretlondon  So have a look, send me a suggestion for a nice read and I’ll let you know how it goes in the coming months.  I’ll probably start in January this time as I’ll be on tour for most of November and December but who knows, maybe I’ll get a head start!  Much love and thanks for all the love and support lots have you have given me this last year.  You know who you are! xoxox

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[I started this a couple of weeks ago...and since then Steve has written a couple of blogs with his take on the same issues....Is he stealing from me?? I don't know. But after watching Hedwig last night I think I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on him. ]

The musicians life is a hard one. Not only because most people regard creative fields as a hobby rather than a real life job, but also because of our willingness to do everything speculatively in hope that something will eventually come of it. Steve told me once that “we’re our own worst enemies because we love what we do” and that is so true. Now I can hear someone out there now saying…”stop complaining….you may not get paid much but at least you love your job!” Yes, and the age-old saying that you can’t live on love alone certainly applies here.

For many of us, there is no school that can teach what we do. Our work is a mixture of years of real world study, fleeting emotions, tragedy, and hope. Every note we write a piece of history saved from the ashes of charred memories. Every song a blanket woven from future hopes and past disappointments. Yet we are seen as children, refusing to grow up and get a career.

This is never so apparent as when you are managing your own career. You’re expected to have a middle-man of sorts in order to be taken seriously. If you don’t have a label, a manager, a publicist, and a booking agent…then you are obviously an amateur. I get so frustrated constantly explaining to people that I have no desire to be famous. I want to write, I want to perform, I want to connect. I also want to be paid fairly to do these things…but I don’t need a private plane and millions to be happy. I’m happy with train fare and a few thousand extra in the bank.

So as a singer/songwriter and multi-instrumentalist with 20+ years of experience, why is it that people still expect me to do my job for free? I’m not talking about recorded music here, I’m talking about playing shows and festivals that are patronised by thousands of people.

While I don’t think that anyone has a right to a living just because they are a talented musician…I also don’t think that people have the right to deprive me of a living just because we’ve created a culture that feels that we shouldn’t have to pay for music. The inequity that exists in the world of music is part of the problem here; the whole rock-star dream. Much like the American dream….it’ll just cause you to live aspirationally rather than practically and that can be a dangerous pitfall.

The problem comes when I voice this to others. Unless this person is a seasoned musician…these words will cause me to lose credibility. How can I say that I have no desire for fame and fortune? Isn’t that the reason that one becomes a musician in the first place? To avoid studying medicine, or the law? To avoid being part of the establishment?

Deciding to be a musician is not a quest of avoidance…but a labour of love. There are quite a few assumptions that we need to get over…

1. Wouldn’t it be great if everyone knew who you were?
No, this would suck. How would you ever live a normal life? Imagine having video chat open ALL THE TIME. Think you have lots of people in your life now who like to tell you how to live? Imagine having hundreds of thousands of those, even millions. Nice.

2. It’d be cool to be treated like a rock star all the time.
Again, your record label is happy to spend YOUR MONEY treating you like a rock star and other people will be willing to do the same because they think fame is some magical dust that will rub off on them. Once you’re out of money and hit songs it’s back to being NORMAL. Additionally, being treated like a star doesn’t make you a better musician…as a matter of fact I’d imagine it has the opposite effect.

3. Doing a huge tour across the world is fun.
No, it’s really not. Ask anyone who has done it. Grass roots tours with people you like are much more fun because you’re hanging with friends and leaving more time for exploration and doing it on your own terms. You don’t need to answer to anyone and your schedule is your own.

I don’t have answers for all the problems that exist in our lives as musicians. I do know that I’m beyond happy that I am able to do what I love for a living…but, until we change our thinking about what it means to be a musician I can’t see our lives getting any easier. But I suppose as Al Bernstein once said…“Easy doesn’t do it.”

How important is self esteem to your audience? I’ve been pondering this question quite a lot since last Tuesday…when a couple of producers who were interested in perhaps featuring me and my music in a TV series that they’re shooting in different cities around the world came to the show. I was very nervous of course, and to add a little more pressure I had planned a mostly looping set including a total a Capella improv piece. Due to nervousness, I did what I normally do…which is to make self-deprecating jokes.

At the end of the show, it seems that both producers really liked the music, but one in particular didn’t like my stage presence at all. The self-deprecation was annoying to him and he felt that it just wasn’t what he needed for the show. (this is what I gathered after chatting with the other producer/filmmaker that stayed) To be fair, there is a difference in how I perform to a room full of mates (which this show certainly was, and how I perform on a large stage to hundreds (or thousands) of people whom I don’t know.

There’s certainly a lesson to be learned here. Music is the one thing in my life that I am confident about. So why do I feel the need to apologise for myself on stage if I make a mistake? Am I spending precious time internally focused when I should be spending time connecting with my audience? I do know one thing for sure; when I open up and talk about myself and explain what my songs mean to me, I sell a lot more CDs and people stay to chat after the show. If I can’t show the audience that I believe that I’m worth the six squids they just spent to see me, or the time they took to travel to the venue…do you think they’re going to think I am worth it?

The audience has no idea how long I’ve been writing songs, or busting my ass to make a living in this business and probably most of them don’t really care. They came out to be entertained…to a PERFORMANCE, and me being apologetic about dropping a D chord on the 2nd verse of Morgantown and Montreal isn’t nearly as interesting to them as me telling the story of what the song is about. About the last night I spent with my friend before he was in a horrible car accident, and the guilt associated with moving on with your life and having to leave people you love behind. How life moves on after you do and people who were once your whole world get hurt….people are born, people die, and you can’t stop any of it. A lot more interesting eh?

The truth is, I’m always going to be a little awkward on stage; I’m awkward in person. I’ve spent enough time in my life trying to force myself into roles that don’t fit…trying to be things I’m not. I’m not going to change everything I do based on the opinion of someone I don’t know who has seen me perform one time. But I can learn from the experience and keep in it mind in the future. The whole reason I perform is to share little snippets of my life. I’ve created little snow globes out of experiences and I shake ‘em all up once in a while for you to see. The next time I do this, I’ll try and tell you more stories about the snow, I promise.

Hi my lovelies! I’m very very excited to be able to inform you that there are lots of gigs coming up and I hope you’ll attend at least one, if not two and iffen you really like us a lot….ALL FOUR!

#1 Freedom of expression Croydon
Steve and I will both have a 30 min set for this one…I’m sure we’ll play a few tunes together as well!
When: Tue Jul 22 08 08:00 PM
Where: Freedom of Expression @ Green Dragon Croydon, , Croydon, UK

#2 Freedom of Expression…The Perseverance, Marylebone
When: Fri Jul 25 08 08:00 PM
Where: the Perseverance, 11 Shroton St, Marylebone, London, NW1 6, UK

#3. My friend Peter Katz….http://www.peterkatz.com has come all the way from Toronto, and we’re playing a gig at The Good Ship on Sunday the 27th! It’s free to attend…but we’ll charge you to leave. Keep that in mind.
When: Sun Jul 27 08 07:30 PM
Where: The Good Ship, 289 Kilburn High Road, Kilburn, London, NW6 7JR, UK

#4. Another lovely gig at DARBUKA! This time we will again be featuring Lloyd Davis, and then a lovely trio with me, Steve, Steve’s new glasses, Steve’s ego, and ROY DODDS! Wait, that’s more than 3. Actually just Steve, Roy and myself. I think most of you know that I’m all about Roy Dodds and am so excited about playing with him for the first time. It’ll be very exciting indeed!
When: Tue Jul 29 08 07:00 PM
Where: Darbucka World Music Bar, 182 St John’s Street, Clerkenwell, London, LONDO, EC1 4JZ, UK

A dear friend of mine recently wrote a column on a love/advice blog. His general theme was how women blame men for placing unrealistic expectations on them so that they are struggling the rest of their lives to appear young and perfect whilst men are allowed to become paunchy, grey and bald as part of the normal aging process. His consensus was that we give men too much credit. That men aren’t intelligent enough to mastermind such a skillful plan and although they are happy to encourage such “ongoing maintenance”, are not the perpetrators of pristine. He goes on to name women as the ones who place unrealistic expectations on themselves; through a competitiveness of spirit. So ladies, what do you think? Are we fighting a losing battle against ourselves?

I of course disagree with some of Kev’s article. I think men do place a lot of importance on looks. Almost all the women with serious body issues I know were told by a male figure in their young lives that there was something wrong with their physicality. My biological father told me when I was young that I was “fat” and would never get a boyfriend until I lost weight. Another friend of mine had a male family member tell her that she had “fat legs”. We’ve carried these emotional weights with us throughout the entirety of our lives and believe me, they weigh in a lot heavier than what it tells me on the scale. While it’s not the fault of the whole of the male race…I’m sorry boys but I don’t think we can totally exonerate you.

I do agree with Kev that women are competitive. REALLLY competitive at times. No one has ever been harder on me than I’ve been on myself, and I’ve rarely seen a man be CRUEL in the same way I see women be to one another on a daily basis, myself included. Why do we feel the need to do this? Why must we constantly critique the style and body type of other women? I can only speak for myself here and say that I do it because I feel inadequate. I feel some weird sense of guilt that I’m not doing more to make myself look perfect. When I see someone truly lovey, I feel the need to pick at something. It’s a type of feminine psychosis really.

In another way, I feel that we’re just continuing a trend that been going on since the beginning of civilised society. Women as the so-called weaker sex, have been expected to conform throughout history to be the embodiment of whatever trend was meant to personify femininity at that particular time. It’s all very political. What about bound feet? This was considered extremely erotic in the Qing dynasty…but beyond eroticism it limited a woman’s mobility and cause her to be dependent on her family for the rest of her life. In the 1800′s it was whalebone corsets, causing some women to actually have ribs removed in order to cinch their waists a bit tighter. All this in order to compete for a more desirable husband. Today it’s liposuction, breast implants and plastic surgery. We no longer need someone else to take care of us, so why do we still allow ourselves to compete for an ideal that is unattainable?

Because beneath the surface of our society, the perception of physical attractiveness still has a hand in dictating our place in it. I think sometimes people forget that women had to fight for that place (relatively recently I might add), that we’re still fighting. We’ve allowed society to sell us a fantasy that says if we look a certain way that our lives will be fulfilled; while we totally ignore the problems that exist beneath our skin. We’re depicted in the media as sex-objects; yet expected to be chaste according to our religion. We’ve got a lot of issues, and rightly so. Perhaps we could all take a lesson from the following anonymous declaration of self-esteem….

I am me.

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.

I own everything about me – my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they may be – anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and all the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.

When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am okay.