Why Not Taze Myself a Little Before Breakfast?? Here’s why….

This was posted anonymously on “A la Gauche: Political News and Commentary from the Far Left” (which you should read..Fiscal Republicans who tend to alienate everyone with badly timed angry flames and who furthermore use excuses like “I was only joking but no one truly understands my sense of humor”….need not go any further)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!”

Friggin’ way – trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY DAAAAAMMMMN!!! I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!” (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs

1/4″ deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I’m pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward.

Tweedle Dees

Interesting day today. I don’t usually record other people but there is a band in town that does Children’s music and I spent today recording a new CD for them. It’s amazing how you can record a 20 song CD in 2 hours when you have talented one-take wonders in the room. (they were amazing) Been working on the mixdown and mastering this evening…I think it’s sounding great.

Finished all the painting and off to get the furniture tomorrow. Soon I will have a lot more room for making music! Yippeee.

Night sweet world. Sleep tight.

New and Found Photos

Didn’t seem to get much done today…I did take some new shots not only for my site but for the SOTY contest. Checked out Found Photos and saw this shot which is just amazing…..

He/she looks so deep in thought.

Found photos is getting quite a bit of press these days, they had an article on the NY Times. Tomorrow I MUST paint! No more procrastination.

Snowy sleety rainy stuff for your enjoyment.

It was a blah day. I felt it all over. I tried to make myself feel better by wearing my pink star sunglasses given to me by some guy at the Bureau en Gros. Do you believe someone would just give these away? He must have loved them because they were all scratched up. Hmmm…….maybe he took them from a child and was looking to dispose of the evidence.

Do you believe that it’s December 2nd already? That’s insane. It goes so quickly and yet we still continue to act like we have all the time in the world.

Yeah, yeah. Tito, give me a fuckin’ tissue.

Ron Sexsmith Show

Wow. It was a great show last night at the Cabaret. The opening act was Sarah Slean http://www.sarahslean.com/main.html She had a great hour long set despite some equipment troubles. Go to her site and check her out!

Ron was as always great. I think I like him so much because his songwriting is always surprising to me, it’s not predictable and there is a sincerity in his demeanor that just blows me away. He was having a bout with laryngitis but still managed to give a great performance. The guys in his band are amazing and they really seem to all feed off one another. I came away from the show feeling great….went to bed singing “Not About to Lose” and work up singing “Cheap Hotel”. I was hoping to hear that song last night but didn’t. They played it on last years tour so I figured they would not play it this time ’round.

Here are some photos from last night….hard to get a decent pic not using a flash and without a tripod.

Enjoy! Thanks to Elle for being such great company.